


Glimpses Of A Life

by afteriwake



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canonical Character Death, Dead People, Episode: s05e15 Man Down, Gen, Grieving Calleigh Duquesne, Memories, Mentioned Alexx Woods, Mentioned Eric Delko, Mentioned Horatio Caine, Mentioned Kenwall Duquesne, Mentioned Ryan Wolfe, Mentioned Tim Speedle, Missing Scene, Past Calleigh Duquesne/John Hagen, Photographs, Sad Calleigh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 19:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17065889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afteriwake/pseuds/afteriwake
Summary: Sometimes pictures are your only comfort...sometimes.





	Glimpses Of A Life

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was based on the snippet of music, which made me think of Hagen and Calleigh, and Calleigh just being sad and trying to mourn.

_Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,  
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.  
No one can find the rewind button, girl,  
So cradle your head in your hands_  
Anna Nalick, "Breathe (2 AM)"

She didn't know what possessed her to get up in the middle of the night and pull out the box of photographs she kept on the shelf in her closet. She usually only did that when she was looking for some reassurance that she had a life, had known people who had stood behind a camera or in front of a camera and documented her life in some way. Now she sat on her bed, up way too early in the morning to be doing this, pictures spread around her in a mostly comforting half-circle. There were pictures of people she missed, pictures she had purposefully avoided until tonight, pictures she made a note to get framed...this was the proof of her life, and she wanted to see it all.

The first picture she picked up was one she remembered. Alexx had insisted on having a picture of the group she called "her CSIs" and had given everyone a copy to keep for themselves. It was one of the few pictures of the four of them before Ryan and Natalia joined. She traced her finger over Speed's face before setting down that picture and picking up another one, one that Delko had taken when Speed was giving her a lesson on how to ride a motorcycle. It was actually for a case, and the photo had been taken with the lab camera, but Horatio had let it slide and she'd snagged a copy of it. _God,_ she thought to herself. _I am too small to even try riding a motorcycle that big. I don't know what Tim was thinking._ She smiled at the picture, though, and the memory of that days warmed her up, made her happy. Made her feel...special.

There were older pictures, much older ones...she and her father at her high school graduation, at her college graduation, the day she got out of the academy. There were a lot of pictures with her father; she couldn't quite remember which ones he'd been sober in, but it hadn't mattered. He'd been there, which said more than anything else.

The next one was a newer one. She remembered this one as being one Delko had dared her to do. She had said it was juvenile; Delko had said it was hazing the new kid. In retrospect, it was harmless; if Ryan saw this picture now he'd groan or laugh at the documented image of her standing behind him, his head on his arms and him sound asleep, giving him bunny ears. She made a note to give him a copy of that one the next time he looked down. She had a picture in there, somewhere, of her and Horatio accepting an award for the labs. She'd meant to give it to him, but in the end, she'd kept it for herself. It was one of the rare photographs there was of her boss, her friend, and she didn't feel like sharing it, not even with him.

There were more pictures, a whole box full, but there was one package of pictures she'd put in a small manila envelope and hadn't touched in over a year. She hadn't wanted those particular memories flooding back, and the gruesome last one that tainted every memory she had of him. But tonight...

She pulled out the envelope and poured the pictures into her hand and looked. She looked at them hard, flipping through them with shaking hands. She hadn't smiled so brightly, hadn't looked so damn _happy_ in so long. And he'd been the one to make her feel that way. They were just glimpses, pictures the people around them had managed to capture. And they hadn't even been hers, not all of them. She'd been surprised, considering, when she got a box with some of his belongings in it. And there was a small stack of photos. Some of them were just of her; once she remembered him telling her he wanted something to remember her by and she playfully fought him off until he got one clear shot. She'd had fun that day.

Fun...that seemed to be a foreign concept these days.

Her hands stilled over one picture. She knew Yelina had taken that one during a party for the homicide detectives. She'd gone as his date and they'd spent a good part of the party alone together, just talking. Yelina had snapped this picture of them in animated conversation, her hands flying and a huge smile on her face, him leaning forward and looking at her intently, a smile on her face. She paused on that picture and felt the tears start to form, one slipping down her face. What had happened to him, she wondered as she traced the outline of his body. What had changed him so much that he did what he did? Why hadn't she stayed with him, helped him? Why...

She pulled her knees up to her chest after wiping away the tears, setting down the picture of her and John on top of the others from the folder. She looked at it for a long while, just having the same intent look on her face that he had had on his. When she finally uncurled herself she put all the photos back in the envelope except that one, and then she put away all the photographs except the ones that she had plans for.

Tomorrow morning, she was going to have a copy of that picture made. She was going to go to his grave, speak her peace and leave that photo there. She believed in an afterlife and she hoped wherever he was he saw what she did, and that he might be touched, even if this was her way of finally letting him go.


End file.
